The Mentalist Weiss Fic
by Felflowne
Summary: Well, it begins. This fic basically mocks Weiss. Go on, you know you want to read it. It's mental. Aya wants to be a wall, and Yohji goes insane! There is Ken and Omi stuff,but it doesn't detract from the insanity! Please R&R!


This fic is rather silly, but it's been gnawing away at me for ages. Basically, just to sit down and mock Weiss. I love it so much, I'm allowed okay?

Not mine bleh.

Hope it makes you smile!

****

The Mentalist Weiss Fic

By Felflowne aka Espion

**

It was a lovely day

Aya was glaring at the wall.

Yohji came in, noted that Aya was glaring at the wall, and sat down to have carfee. [0]

Ken arrived, very muddy and grass-stained, saw that Aya was glaring at the wall, shrugged and went upstairs to get changed and have a shower.

Omi got back from school, tripped over a flowerpot, rolled across the floor and down the stairs. He did not notice Aya's wall staring.

Duo Maxwell came in, realised he was in the wrong section and left again. He had no comment on the wall watching.

**

After about a week, people entering the shop had started to hang coats and umbrellas on Aya, who hadn't budged a millimetre. 

When Omi got in, he found Ken bouncing a football tentatively off of the tall assassin.

'Ken-kun, I really don't think you should…' he began, but Ken cut him off.

'I've been doing this all day, try it Omittchi, it's really fun!'

Omi blushed slightly at the endearment, and sat down next the football player. Ken angled the next shot so that it landed in Omi's lap. He smiled.

'Hey, this _is _fun!'

'What'd I tell you?'

'You were right!'

Omi smiled at Ken, who smiled back. Suddenly Omi gasped.

'What is it?' asked Ken, concerned.

'Your… Your eyes just changed colour!'

Ken blinked a few times.

'Ahh… that happens sometimes. I used to get teased awfully at school for it. Sorry if it freaks you out.'

'That's okay. Actually… I've never told anyone but…' Omi hung his head and took a deep breath, '…my head…randomly changes shape and my eyes move around on my face!'

He waited, expecting ridicule, but instead Ken put an arm around him.

'Don't worry Omittchi, I'm here for you.'

Suddenly, Omi's eyes swelled to ridiculously large sizes and he leapt on Ken, bowling him over.

'Did you know we're a very unpopular pairing?' he said conversationally as they kissed each other.

'Seriously?' said Ken, surprised, 'but we're practically going out in the…' he paused, '…I don't know where that sentence was going, sorry.'

'Yeah,' said Omi, rolling over so Ken could pick him up, 'you're more often paired with Aya.'

They both glanced at the immobile redhead.

'Bleugh,' said Ken maturely, 'not my type at all. You're my type.'

'I get paired with Yohji,' said Omi sadly. Ken almost dropped him through laughter.

'Too bad, this'll piss them off,' said Ken, laughing, as his eyes faded through neon pink to turquoise again.

They kissed passionately.

'Let's go, we've taken up too much of this thing anyway,' said Omi, laughing.

'Too much of what thing?'

Omi looked confused.

'I…don't…know…' he mumbled.

Then, in the blink of an eye, they raced out of the room and upstairs, knocking Yohji over on his way to get more carfee.

**

Yohji was annoyed. He'd walked into his room to find a little bald kid with a bhuddist type robe on holding his sunglasses and looking angry.

When he'd enquired as to what he was doing there, the kid had said:

'I have been to many strange places, seen many strange sights, but none so strange as these glasses. If there are truly no glasses, and it is not they (for they do not exist) which bend, but yourself, then you…'

At this point he'd thrown the sunglasses at Yohji and stood up.

'…must be pretty goddamned bent. There is no explanation in this world or the next which can explain how bent those glasses are.'

He'd left then, leaving Yohji angry and more than a little confused.

He liked his sunglasses, bent or not. Then he ran after the kid.

'HEY! Weren't you in that film?'

**

He cleared the coats and umbrellas off Aya. He mused that people must have gone out to buy them specially, as they never came to get them back.

He could hear loud unsavoury noises coming from upstairs, Ken-and-Omi-wards, and he fancied he heard something called author popularity falling off the end of a scale and going splat.

'People don't like Ken/Omi,' he said, narrating to open air, 'you should just accept that.'

A ceiling tile fell on his head.

Thus I had my revenge.

*

The next day Momoe-san came back from the hospital. They'd found her legs somewhere in Antarctica, and she had just endured a highly risky ten-minute operation to sew them back on. They smelled a bit but they seemed okay, and anytime she felt she might overbalance, she just leant on Aya, whom she was carrying around like a two by four.

Ken and Omi had thought seriously about an operation to join them at the hip, but had decided against it.

Yohji felt like a 16-year-old, so he went out and got one.

Aya glared at whichever wall he was placed in front of.

**

On the third day Aya spoke.

'I hate this wall.'

'Which one?' said Yohji, looking up, 'you don't seem too fussy.'

'Life's just… so easy if you're a wall, no worries, and no insecurities. God I hate walls.'

Yohji glanced at him, as Omi bounced into the room. After rebounding off the hated wall a few times, he leapfrogged over Yohji and landed in front of Aya.

'Ne, Aya-kun, you're talking now!'

There was much rejoicing.

'No, there wasn't,' said Ken, entering and looking around suspiciously, 'and who said that?'

'KEN! I haven't seen you in ages!' Omi leapt four metres from a standing start to land in Ken's arms.

'What are you talking about,' said Ken, smiling, 'you just saw me!'

They swing-your-partnered out of the room, singing, 'tralala, tralalaaaa.' [1]

'You want to be a wall, right Aya?'

Aya hit the wall with his hand, which fell off, grew wings and flew away.

'Damn,' said Aya, 'that's the fifth time today that's happened. Yes, as a matter of fact, I would.'

**

It was a month later and there was no sign of this lunacy wrapping up anytime soon. Yohji found that huge sudden time jumps gave him indigestion, so he went to have a lie down. Omi, however, was bunnyhopping around with glee.

'Again!'

**

Three months later, and Omi was very happy.

'Ooh, makes my head go all funny.'

He fell over with a weird grin on his face. Even Ken looked unnerved.

'No more sugar for him,' said Yohji, looking green. Three months was a lot of time to pass in half a second. 

**

Later that day, Omi lay on his back leaning over the end of the sofa, darts in hand. He threw one, which hit Aya's head.

'Um, ouch?'

'Sorry, I need the practice,' said Omi, aiming another one. This one hit the wall, and Aya grinned fiercely.

'You show that wall! Yeah! OW!'

'Sorry.'

**

When Yohji arrived back from his lie down he encountered a strange sight. Omi was entwined with a boy he didn't recognise in the middle of the room, and was throwing darts at Aya.

'What the hell is going on here? Ken is going to kill you, Omi.'

The stranger turned, his face shifting and moving as the camera angle fought to keep up with him. Yohji gasped as features aligned themselves.

'KEN?'

'Yeah,' said Ken, 'I seem to have contracted this thing Omi's got, but it'll be okay.'

'Yeah,' said Yohji calmly, 'Goodbye.'

The world seemed to have gone mental mental chicken oriental.

He ran outside and got into his giant shoe.

'It's a CAR!'

Yeah, yeah, car, whatever, and drove towards the bay.

When he got there he undid the laces and got out.

'It doesn't HAVE laces!'

Sure, sure. Then he walked away a bit, realised he hadn't put the handbrake on…

'I SO did!'

…and began to chase the car down the hill. A mother and child watched him go past. The child tugged on her mother's sleeve.

'Mummy, why is that man chasing a big shoe and shouting bad words at the sky?'

'That's what is called a lunatic, sweetie. Don't worry, the government are probably onto him.'

'Yay!'

**

Omi picked absentmindedly at his top, you know, the really worrying mediaeval prostitute one with all the laces?

He looked up.

'Is there someone there? Someone who doesn't like my top?'

There was no answer, of course, stupid boy.

Omi suddenly felt very miserable for no discernible reason, and began to cry.

*

On the other side of the house, Ken dropped what he was doing and ran to find his Omi, who was in pain. His chibi-sense was tingling.

*

Some time later, after Yohji had captured his car and returned to the Koneko, Manx arrived. Yohji flinched away in anticipation, but today Manx was wearing trousers, so there was no danger of…just…ugh.

Aya glared at her softly.

'You look a lot like someone I used to know,' he began sadly, but Manx slapping him knocked him out of his sibling-remembering stupor.

'I'm not your goddamned sister Aya, I'm a bloody Kritiker agent. There is no way every woman you see looks like your sister.'

Aya looked at Yohji sadly.

'You look a lot like someone I used to know.'

Yohji blinked.

'HEY!'

**

Ken comforted Omi in a way that was very nice to read. Lots of very cute dialogue.

'Don't worry, Omittchi, I love your top,' he brushed it with his fingers, 'who said it was worrying and not unlike those worn by renaissance hookers?'

'Don't know,' sniffed Omi, 'I just got this feeling that someone out there hates it. A lot.'

'Oh well, you can't please everyone.'

'Thanks Ken, I love you.'

'Mmmhmm, you too.'

'How's your head?'

'Oh I think it's settled and it'll stay this shape now.'

'Don't be too sure,' said Omi darkly, but in the pause in dialogue took the opportunity to pounce on Ken again.

**

Downstairs, Aya, Yohji and Manx heard the thump.

'Good god, what are those two on?'

'This,' said Aya, holding up a bottle, 'but I confiscated it.'

'Enough,' said Manx firmly.

Ken and Omi came in.

'Hey Manx,' said Ken, 'new mission?'

'Nope, Persia's out of sugar again.'

'Can't the guy just go buy some?'

'No.'

*

Yohji was deadheading roses. He carefully selected the bruised or dry stems and removed them. He scanned the arrangement for any he might have missed, his expert eye taking in every detail.

'For god's sake it isn't that interesting! I'm just pulling out dead plants!' He yelled at the air.

Omi watched from the other side of the shop as he stalked out.

'Woah, and he thinks _I'm _mental.'

'You _are_ mental,' said Ken.

'Yeah, but at least I don't talk to myself, ne Ken?'

He looked around.

'Oh yeah, Ken went out on deliveries about half an hour ago. Huh.'

*

'Oh my God, my dog ate all my Maltesers!' cried Ken, looking distraughtly at the sofa.

'Ate all your what?' asked Omi, concerned.

'What dog?' said Aya. 'We don't have a dog.'

Ken rubbed the back of his head and looked adorably confused.

'I know that, I just suddenly had an insatiable urge to yell that out loud.'

Goddamned dog! [2]

Yohji looked up.

'Did anyone else hear that?'

**

'Wait! What are you doing…I'm not crazy!'

Omi regarded him seriously.

'C'mon Yohji, auditory hallucinations are a symptom of schizophrenia, a seriously dehabilitating mental disorder. This won't be for long, just until the doctor gets here.'

They'd locked him in the supply cupboard.

He slumped down inside and put his head in his hands.

'I'm not mad, but I think you all might be.'

**

'Ne, Omi-kun, what are you watching?' Ken joined his boyfriend on the sofa.

'Some closed circuit surveillance footage of Yohji from last night.'

He sensed Ken's reaction.

'No, seriously, come and see, it's very funny.'

Ken hesitantly joined him.

On the screen, Yohji looked up.

'Just who _is _up there? The others think I'm crazy. No, I'm not. I AM not! Can't you say something like, "Just then, Yohji found a lock pick?" Of course it's feasible! I'm in a locked room! Someone in a locked room can ALWAYS find a lock pick!'

'Who's he talking to?' asked Ken, reaching for popcorn.

Omi handed him the bowl.

'The light fitting, as far as I can see.'

'Konban wa, Aya-k'n,' said Ken as Aya came down. He grunted and looked worried.

'Aya, is it me, or did you just grunt and look worried?' said Omi, looking up.

The tall boy nodded in affirmation.

'And now you've nodded in affirmation…um…tall boy. What's up?'

Aya held out his hand.

Ken and Omi gasped.

In the middle of Aya's hand was imprinted, 'PROPERTY OF KOYASU TAKEHITO.'

'HEY! I've got one of those on my foot!' cried Omi, taking his sock off so they could see. He sure did.

'Ken?' Aya looked at the dark-haired boy who had reddened slightly.

'Yep, I've got one too,' he said hurriedly, 'but it only appeared this morning.'

'Yeah, Ken-kun told me about mine,' said Omi, pulling his sock back on. It was pink.

Aya decided no comment was worthy of application here... and since when had he been one to comment anyway?

There was a crash from upstairs, Yohji had broken out of his cupboard.

The other boys looked at each other.

'_Some_one's got to say it,' said Omi pleadingly.

'Not me,' said Ken vehemently, 'I don't wanna go down in the history of whatnot as the guy who made the lamest pun ever.'

They both looked at Aya, who rolled his eyes and managed to wearily say (with bright overtones), 'Ah! It appears that Yohji has come out of the closet.'

Ken and Omi winced in actual physical pain, which they relieved by first burying Aya under cushions, then, when they were sure that he was unconscious, settling down for some 'quality time'.

Lucky for Aya he was unconscious, eh? Not so lucky for you, I'm taking you up to see Yohji.

**

Yohji picked small flowerpots and miniature brooms out of his hair as he struggled upright. He also retrieved a small cookie, which, being a guy, he broke open, intending to eat.

A little piece of paper fell out.

He picked it up.

It read: _You are destined to emulate the hairstyle of an Irish nutter. _[3]

None the wiser, Yohji threw it away and ate the cookie, the minger.

**

It was nearly over. All that was left to do was for all the Weiss boys to get together and decide this. They met in their mission room under the Koneko no Sumo ii.

'This has been going on an awfully long time,' said Omi, very clearly, as if he were addressing someone who were deaf, or very far away, 'and we've all decided that it's going absolutely nowhere, so…we'd like it to end. Please.'

They sat and looked at the ceiling for a while.

'Tell me again why we're doing this?' said Ken grumpily. He felt like a right idiot.

'Well, I do now!' He retorted.

Yohji grinned and wriggled in his straitjacket. He had gone stack raving bonkers.

'No! I just ate too much rat food!'

Aya was thoroughly sick of the whole thing.

Omi turned his kawaiiest face upwards, 'Pleeeeeeeeease?'

**OWARI**

No-one can resist the Omi kawaii-ness! Okay, I finally had to give in. You know, it's not as easy as it seems, mocking Weiss constantly. If anyone can think of anything I missed, please let me know! I may write a second chapter if I get enough material.

Okay, some explanations

[0] Carfee - On the English dub of Weiss they have outtakes, and there's one from the very first episode where Harry Potter guys tries to say the line - 'I have a friend who works at the paper…' You know the one. Instead it comes out as something like…

__

I have this friend…eh…bleh...who..can't speak…we're relaaated and we have caaaarrfeeee…

…or something like that. It's funny, check it out…

[1] This is an extremely mangled version of the bandit dance from Fushigi Yuugi.

[2] This actually happened. It must've done. Where the hell did they go otherwise? Ooh she's gonna be so ill…

[3] Referring to Yohji's Gluhen hairstyle. You can figure the rest out yourself.


End file.
